살치살을 썰며 센치해진 밤

이진아의 음악을 틀고, 깔루아를 한모금 마시고, 운동화를 빨고, 빨래를 돌리며, 저녁에 사온 갈비살과 살치살 덩어리들을 자르고 1인분씩 팩에 담아 냉동실에 넣는다. 양이 많아 칼질을 하는 동안 쓸데없는 생각들이 든다.

1. 큰조카는 뭐든 잘 안먹는데, 살치살은 잘 먹는다고 한다. 이제 중학교 3학년이 된다. 내가 중학교 3학년 때에는 매일매일이 친구들과 함께였다. 함께 수업을 듣고, 함께 농구를 하고, 함께 오락실을 가고, 함께 학원을 가고, 함께 집을 향해 걸었다. 그때는 무슨 생각을 하며 살았나. 커서 이렇게 야밤에 혼자 집에서 살치살을 칼질하고 있을 것이라 상상이나 했을까. 이진아의 음악까지 들으니 조금 센치해졌다.

2. 그냥 매일 이렇게 살면 좋겠다. 전업주부, 잘 맞을 것 같다. 물론 언제나 원할 땐 컴퓨터를 할 수 있어야 한다. 물론 이렇게도 먹고 살 수 있는 돈이 있어야 한다. 물론 전업주부가 된다고 나처럼 한량처럼 살 수는 없을거다. 2개월간 먹고 놀고 쉬고 머리를 쓰지 않고 하고 싶은대로 살았더니 진짜 한량이 되었다.

3. 지난 주 부터 발표자료 준비가 내 머릿속의 60%를 차지하고 있다. 간단할 것 같으면서도 왜 진행도 안되고 정리도 안되고 마음에 안드는지. 며칠 전, 영화 아쿠아맨을 봤다. 영화를 보는 내내 생각이 들었다. 아이언맨이나 캡틴아메리카를 보며 저 장면은 왜 나오는거지 라거나, 이 음악은 뭐지 라거나, 갑자기 왜 이런 스토리가… 하는 생각이 든 적이 없었다. 처음부터 끝까지 몰입이 되었는데, 아쿠아맨은 반대로 계속 그런 생각이 들었다. 여러 의사결정자들의 요구, 버리가 아까운 장면, 끝맺음을 위해 어색하지만 어쩔 수 없이 필요한 스토리, 스텝들의 한계, 감독의 한계. 다양한 것들이 엮여있겠지. 아쿠아맨을 보는 동안 영화의 완성도가 꼭 나의 발표자료 같다는 생각이 들었다. 마블처럼 만들어야지. 몇 년 동안 내부용 자료만 만들고, 설득을 위한 메시지보다는 정확한 구조만 생각하고, 디자인을 별로 안했더니 이도저도 아닌 것이 만들어지고 있다.

그래서 조금 자존감이 떨어졌는데, 이 마음을 떨치고 기운을 내기 위해, 스타2를 켜야겠다. 굿데이 커맨더.

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